Commitment-Phobia

   9.     The light was so welcoming. It felt as if it was a huge warm blanket waiting to envelop him. He felt safe. He could taste what the light had to offer him and he wanted it. He wanted to be taken over by the light. It felt pure. It felt like home.

        He could still remember the feeling the light had over him. He closed his eyes and turned away from Rogue. He could still feel it.

        The light offered him the one thing he never felt in his entire existence.

        Peace.

        The peace he desperately wanted his whole life and he felt it there, on the astral plane. He knew he was dying, but he wanted to die. Dying felt so much better than living. No more people hating him for what he couldn't control he was. No more mutants trying to destroy him for the very same reason. No more hating himself for all the misdeeds he had done in life. All he felt was peace. Tranquility. Serenity.

        He was ready for what death had to offer, but then she came.

        Rogue had come after him. At first, he had felt relieved and happy. He was hoping they could travel on together. If not in life, than in death; a death that offered so much more than life. She kissed him and held on to him tight. He began to float towards the light. It was a glorious feeling. He wanted to go there so bad. His whole being yearned for it, but she held on to him tight. She wouldn't let him go as she clung on to his soul. Then, it was gone.

        He remembered waking up in a hospital bed next to her. Disappointment did not even begun to describe what he felt. He was so close to something so beautiful. It was his only chance at feeling the wonderful light and the peace that came with it. He ached for the feeling, but he could never find it within himself. He lost the only time he ever felt at peace within himself; the only time he felt truly forgiven for all his sins; the only time he felt home.

        Remy wiped away the tears before turning back to Rogue. He took one look into her eyes, and could still feel the sting of losing his only chance at complete happiness.

        "Remy.. Ah don't know what y're talking about.." Rogue started as confused tears started running down her face. She wasn't sure what she had done to him to make him still hold it against her.

        "Chere.. why did y'do it? Why couldn't ya have just let me go?" He asked as he stared into her eyes. For most people, having someone with red on black eyes staring so intently into their own would have caused uneasiness and discomfort. For Rogue, she returned the look with just as much intensity as he gave her.

        "Let ya go? Ah thought that's what ah did.." She slowly began with uncertainty.

        He couldn't take looking into her eyes anymore. He felt too much resentment but at the same time so much love. He was confused. He didn't know why it comes out now. Perhaps, he bottled it up inside for too long. They never dealt with it. He convinced himself that it didn't matter.

        He could still taste the light.

        "I wanted t'go so bad, chere." He whispered as he dropped his head.

        Rogue walked towards him. She brought a hand up to his cheek and wiped away the single tear that he let fall. "Please, talk to me, Remy." She requested softly.

        He took her hand and pressed it against his cheek. It's been so long since she had touched him. He relished in it for a second before letting her hand drop.

        She tried to touch him again, but he stepped back, away from her reach. She turned her head away for a second so he doesn't see the pain she felt by the rejection.

        "Y'should have let me go." He said quietly.

        "When?" She asked him and brought her eyes to meet his.

        "It was my time t'go, Rogue. Y'should have just let me." He began to explain.

        "Ah don't know what y're talking about.. unless.." She began to realize that he meant about the time she had no choice but to hold on to him. She wasn't going to lose him then; not like that.

        He looked at her and instantly knew she knew. "I can still taste it, chere. It felt so beautiful. De light was so welcoming. It was my time, but y'took it away from me."

        "Do not stand there and say that." She said firmly as tears roll down her face.

        "Why couldn't y'let me go, chere? It was de perfect ending. I helped save de world. Dere's no better way t'go den dat." He asked with tear- filled eyes. He took a deep breath and shut his eyes tightly. Refusing to let any more tears fall.

        "You're askin' me how ah couldn't let ya die." She stated more than asked. She could not believe that the only thing she ever felt she did right was the very thing he resented her for.

        "Yeah. Why did y'have t'pull me back t'life?" He questioned as he still refused to look at her.

        "Ya stand there and ask me why ah couldn't let the man that ah love, die. How can ah? Remy. It wasn't supposed t'be." She explained and hoped that he would just look into her eyes and tell her everything will be okay, like all those times he had done before.

        He opened his eyes and stared straight into her. His eyes were burning with anger. He was finally letting all his emotions out. "HOW DO Y'KNOW DAT, CHERE? IT WAS MY TIME T'GO! I SAW IT IN DE BOOKS!" He screamed at her.

        She had never seen him this angry, especially with her. She wasn't scared though. She levelled her determined green eyes to meet his angry red ones. "Those books mean nothing, Remy! Ah didn't follow mah path which meant ya weren't meant to go. Ah couldn't let you die. Ah love ya. There was no way that ah would ever let ya go. Not like that."

        "It wasn't for you t'decide, chere. I asked y'to let me go. You should have respected my wishes." He said with a lower voice. One look into her love-filled eyes made him realized that he couldn't remain mad at her.

        "Remy, if it was really your time, even ah couldn't have stopped it. Ah left ya once t'die and it nearly killed me not having ya wit' me. There was no way, ah could ever do that again. As long as there was a chance that ah could save ya, ah would do it simply because ah love ya." She calmly spoke.

        "Chere, I love you too, but y'don't know dat wonderful feeling. I was finally free, chere. I found de peace I wanted all my life. I won't ever get dat chance again." He explained to her, wanting her to know what she had taken away from him.

        "Remy, when will ya realize that ya could find that peace in the living? Ya are the most incredible man ah know with a heart of gold. When will ya stop punishing yourself for the mistakes of your past?" Rogue asked him. It pained her to see him so tortured, and she felt helpless just watching him.

        "It was just so much easier t'die.." He uttered, not particularly directing it at her.

        "Ya were never the one t'take the easy way out, sugah." Rogue commented quietly.

        "But dis time, chere, I wanted it. I wanted it so bad dat I would dream about it. De peace, de freedom, de redemption. It was all offered t'me by de light. It felt right." He explained.

        She slowly approached him. She extended her hand, but he doesn't turn away this time. She wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him.

        "This feels right." She mumbled into his chest.

        He held her, trying not to blame her, attempting to drown himself in her embrace, her touch. For a split second, he could feel that everything really was okay; that nothing mattered at that moment except them and that was how it was supposed to be.

        But it was only for a second.

        He let go of her and slightly pushed her away. She doesn't turn her head this time though nor does she step back. She remained standing in front of him, staring straight into his eyes.

        "Can ya honestly look into my eyes and tell me that there is nothing worth living for? That we're not worth living for." She softly asked with her tear-filled eyes.

        Remy just submerged himself in her gaze. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and tell her that she was worth more than anything he ever had; ever experienced.

        He took a step closer to her. He ran his fingers down her wet cheeks. She closed her eyes, savoring his soft touch.

        "Rogue, I.."

        *ring ring*

        The phone interrupted him. She opened her eyes to meet his, begging him to continue.

        *ring ring*

        He looked away from her. Her head dropped as she tried not to cry. "Ah'll get the phone."

        She grabbed the phone and took a deep breath. She steadied herself and answered, "Hello?"

        "Oh hi, Jean-Luc." Remy snapped his head towards her at the mention of his father's name.

        "We've been good. How are ya, sugah?" Rogue replied half-heartedly.

        "Sounds great. Yeah, Remy is here. Hold on, sugah." She told him.

        Remy walked towards her to receive the phone. For a brief moment, he found the courage to look into her eyes, but quickly turned away when he saw her tears.

        "Allo, Papa." Remy greeted.

        Rogue watched him intently. She watched him nodding his head, and responding with plenty of mmhmm's. Suddenly, his eyes lost all emotions as he tightened his grip on the phone. He ended the conversation with a hasty "I'll see ya soon" before hanging up. He balled both his hands into fists and slammed them down hard on the table. She jumped back from the sound of impact.

        "Is everything okay, sugah?" She asked softly.

        He lifted his head to meet her, almost as if he forgot she was even in the room. She tried to read his eyes. She wants to know what he's feeling. She finds nothing.

        "Tante Mattie died." He responded. Before she could say a word to express her condolences, he walked out of the room.

 

Далее>>