Commitment-Phobia

    10.    Both their bags were packed on the floor and the taxi was going to pick them up in ten minutes. She went and locked all the windows and doors. After noting that everything was done and they were ready to go, she approached his door.

        He hadn't left his room for the last three hours since he got the phone call. She took the courtesy of packing both their clothes and arranging their flights. She made sure that there would be a rental car waiting for them in New Orleans. She had called Jean-Luc and asked about the funeral details. He asked if they would like to stay with him in his mansion, but they both knew it would probably be best if Remy didn't stay in the house he grew up in. It held too many memories. So, Rogue made sure she brought her key for the house that Irene had left for her in New Orleans.

        She knocked softly on his door. There was no response. After a minute, she slowly turned the doorknob and poked her head in. He was lying on the bed, curled up in a fetal position.

        "Remy, the taxi is gonna be here in ten minutes. Ah've packed our things and every thing is ready t'go." She told him in a soft voice.

        He got up from his bed, ambled right past her without even glancing at her, and walked out the door.

        She sighed and went to shut his window before leaving his room.

        ***

        Rogue directed the men of where to put the flowers in the funeral home. For the past few days, she had been helping with the funeral arrangements as much as she could. There was a lot to do and she was content with helping in any way. Jean-Luc had given her the responsibilities of dealing with the flowers.

        When the last of the flower rings were in place, she walked out of the home and closed the doors. She checked the time, and knew that the funeral will begin in two hours. She had just enough time to go home, shower, and get dressed before she had to return to the solemn place.

        As she got in her car, she thought about Remy. That was all she ever thought about for the past few days. He had not spoken to her much since they arrived in New Orleans. Frankly, he hadn't spoken to anyone much. She tried many times to reach out to him in hopes that he would open up to her. She wanted to help him through this difficult time, but he wouldn't let her. He never did let anyone help him when it meant that he would be revealing what he thought was weakness. If someone knew that side of him, it would automatically mean he was not as strong as he thought he was. Her heart ached whenever she looked at him. He hadn't shed a single tear since that night they received the news. He was bottling up all the emotions inside, and it hurt her so much to see him like that.

        She sighed heavily as she started her car. She was running out of ideas to get through to him and it pained her to know she couldn't help him when he needed her the most.

        ***

        The bustling of people in Jean-Luc's living room was becoming suffocating for him. Every right and left he had people coming up to him, giving their condolences; each person waiting for him to shed some tears and when realizing he wouldn't cry for their benefit, they turned away with the assumption that he was just a cold uncaring man. He didn't care though. He could care less what other people thought of him.

        Not able to take the crowd anymore, he walked out of the room through a door that led to a balcony. He sat there and he remembered the many times he had snuck into the house through this very balcony and every time Tante Mattie would catch him. He knew she always caught him here but he did it anyway. He did it when he needed to talk to her the most, and she always helped him through all the problems he faced when he was as child, whether it was the taunting he faced from the other kids about his abnormal eyes or the many times he felt wary about his position in the Lebeau family. Every time, she managed to comfort him with the help of her famous apple pie.

        The colorful leaves of autumn fell around him as he sat there and allowed himself to be mesmerized by them. He was hurting inside, but he couldn't let it out. His whole life, he kept such emotions bottled in and as much as he wanted to grieve for the woman who raised him and was the closest thing to a mother that he would ever have, he couldn't allow himself to do it. Perhaps what hurt the most was never getting the chance to say goodbye, but he still wouldn't allow himself to succumb to his grief.

        He didn't know how to.

        ***

        She knocked softly on his door. Hearing no answer, she slowly opened the door and peered in. "Remy?" She asked apprehensively.

        He didn't respond and remained standing by the window, looking out.

        She walked cautiously up to him and when she was inches from him, she stopped.

        "Ya hungry, sugah?" She asked quietly. He shook his head in response.

        She stood there with him, not making a sound. She wanted to reach out to him, wanted to touch him, wanted to help him, but she couldn't. She didn't want him to turn away from her, to push her away again. It hurt too much.

        After a few minutes, he finally turned around to face her. She held her breath at the movement. He looked down at her and then looked away when he saw the hopefulness in her eyes.

        "Rogue, maybe we should just call it quits.." He began slowly.

        Her eyes watered up at the unexpected comment. "Remy, please don't push me away. Not again." She responded quietly.

        "I've just been t'inking, and maybe we're not meant to be.." He continued as he still refused to look at her.

        She put her hands on his face and turned it to face her. "Don't do this, Remy. Please don't push me away. Ya need me right now, just let me help ya." She pleaded with him. He grabbed both her hands and kissed them before he let them drop.

        "Rogue.. I can't." He simply replied.

        Not willing to give up without a fight, she wrapped both her arms around his neck and pulled him close to her. Their lips inches from touch.

        "Ah'm not gonna let ya do this. Not again. Ah love ya, Remy. Ah love ya for everything that ya are and Ah'll never stop. Ya asked me to trust ya but ya have to return that trust, Remy. Ya need me right now, and ah want to be there for ya, ya just have to trust me to let me in. Trust me enough that ah won't leave ya if it gets too tough. Ah don't plan to go anywhere, ya understand me?" She told him with determination, hoping that this time it would get through to him.

        He stared into her truthful green eyes. He wanted to trust her. He wanted to let her in. He wanted to let all his emotions out. He wanted her to see him for all that he was.

        But he couldn't.

        "Rogue, I can't. Maybe we just don't know each ot'er like we t'ought we did." He stated although he made no attempt to push her away.

        "Ya don't mean that. Ah love ya with all that ah have and ah love ya for everything ya are. Ya think that just because ya can hide the things that you regard as weaknesses in ya that ah don't see them? Ah know that ya flinch every time ya see a spider and ya secretly hate them. Ah know that ya get annoyed when people don't put the cap back on the toothpaste. Ah know that ya hate it when people touch your spices. Ah know that ya still have nightmares at night and that there are times ya stay up all night because y're too afraid to sleep. Why else do ya think ah snuggle up closer to ya during those nights, Remy? When you can't sleep, ah can't either, so don't tell me that we don't know each other because, sugah, ya life runs in my veins. We know each other more than we realize because we can feel every emotion of each other in ourselves even when we haven't told each other. Ah can feel the pain you're going through right now, so, let me help ya with it. Please." She said as she looked into eyes for any signs that he might say something, but he doesn't.

        "Remy, please just let me help ya. Ah know ah've left ya when ya needed me before, but this time ah'm not going anywhere. Ah don't ever plan to again so don't push me away. Please, Remy, just let me in. Don't be afraid anymore, sugah, because ah'm not. Ah trust ya with all that have, all that ah am. Please just trust me with you." She pleaded to him as tears began rolling down her eyes.

        He brought a hand up to her cheek and brushed away the tears. He bend down and kissed her forehead, and Rogue could feel that he was beginning to open up.

        But he suddenly unclasped her arms around his neck. He stepped away from her.

        "Rogue, I can't." He said before walking out the room and leaving her in tears.

        ***

        The moonlight shone brightly as another breeze of wind swept into her room. She pulled the covers closer to her body. She laid in bed; all cried out. She tossed over once more and for the twentieth time that night, she thought about the encounter they had earlier.

        She clutched her pillow tighter, imagining it was him that she was holding on to so dear.

        She closed her eyes and attempted to sleep.

        Suddenly they flickered open as she could feel him. She turned to her left and there he was.

        "Rogue.. I.."

        "Ah know, sugah. Ah know." She said and opened up the sheets. He climbed in and she wrapped her arms around him.

        He held on to her as the tears and emotions he had been holding in were finally released. She clung on to him tightly and whispered soothingly, "It's gonna be okay. Everything will be okay."

        And he believed her.

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