Dreams and Desires

Caleen turned around from her desk. She looked at the young woman standing in the doorway. She smiled at the woman and invited her into the office. Perhaps she wanted to enroll in one of her classes here at the college.

The young woman glanced nervously at the open door, then seeing no one nearby, said,"Professor Xavier sent me."

The smile faded from Caleen's face, and she sighed. Is Charles trying to get Toshi and me to join the X-Men again? She wondered.

"Mah name's Rogue."

"Yes,your codename,right?"

"Right."

"Okay, so why did Charles send yuh here? Is he still..."

"Wantin' yah tah join the X-Men- yeah, but that's not why he sent me."

"Oh." Caleen relaxed, and her smile returned."So why did Charles send yuh here?"

"He said it might be good foh me, talkin' tah yah."

Caleen nodded, this young woman did look like she needed to talk to someone, and Caleen's empathic power could pick up a strong sense of loneliness and a lot of pain. "Charles couldn't help yuh on this?"

"No." It had taken a week after the incident by the cove for Rogue to even get up the courage to ask the professor if he knew someone she could talk to that had some psychological experience about a female problem. The professor had quickly suggested this woman, Caleen Oikawa. It had taken Rogue three weeks to gather the courage to go to this stranger with her problem.

Caleen stood up and closed the door. When the door closed Caleen felt the relief,even before she turned around and saw it on the young woman's face.

Rogue saw a photograph of a handsome Asian man smiling and holding a small child. She asked Caleen,"That yoah family?"

"Yes,that's muh husband Toshi, an' muh daughter Hanna. She's almost four." Caleen smiled. "So Rogue, wuhr yuh from?"

Rogue hesitated, then appeared to make a decision, and said, "Ah was born in Georgia, but ah mostly grew up in southwestehn Mississippi."

"I thought yuh sounded deep south. I grew up in the south myself, border south, though, Louisville,Kentucky, pronounced by the natives, Luhuhvul, Kintuckee, near uh part uh town called Shivley." Caleen lets out a quick laugh. `Lahahvahlee Shahavahlah' she says in a exaggerated southern accent, and rolls her eyes. "Called that for reasons I won't go into, but I bet yuh can guess." She says and smirks.

Rogue nods and smiles, "Ah can guess." Then Rogue asks, "Are yah and yoah husband both mutants? Since yah said he tried tah get yah both inta the X-Men."

"Yes, I have weak telepathic powers, more empathic, not in the sense that I can really effect others emotions, just that I can sensethem, even if they are tryin' tuh hide them. My husband can sense other mutants, and we have a psychic link with each other. From what Charles has told me, if the couple both have any kind of mental power they usually have a psychic link. Other than that we have no powers, and we aren't fighters. We don't believe in violence; as John Lennon said, 'Violence breeds more violence'."

"Yet he was killed in a very violent way."

"So were Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Harvey Milk, and Olaf Palme. Yes, I know, but I still believe peaceful ways are the only true ways tuh change things for the better." Caleen sighs, "I'm thirty years old, I've been roughed up by nuts and cops, just for my views on human, and that includes mutant, rights. Some of the more conservative tenured professors here, call me 'queen of the bleedin' heart liberals'. They'll say, if it's an issue left of center you know `Ms. Bleedin' Heart' will be there. I know they've kept me from getting tenured. Real pigs, yuh know. But you didn't come here tuh hear muh problems, yuh came tuh tell me yours. Muh psych education is only adequate. Muh degree in that area is only a bachelor's. Muh masters degree is in history, but if I can help yuh I will."

"Yah already did a little, hearin' your problems makes mine not seem so overwhelmin'."

Caleen smiles."Misery loves company, right? So yuh up to tellin' me what's botherin' yuh yet, or do yuh want me tuh talk some more?"

"Ah'm not sure if ah can say it yet. Tell me about when the professor asked y'all tah join the X-Men."

Caleen smiled again. "He asked us at Toshi's and muh wedding reception- can yuh believe it?"

"At your wedding?" Rogue's eyes widened in surprise.

"Yes. I couldn't believe it! I had only met Charles a year or so before. When we were both attending some conference. We talked about mutant and other human rights. Charles apparently didn't let himself see just how strongly I felt on peaceful methods.

Toshi shares muh views. Anyways, we told Charles that we shared his views on trainin' mutants, but we would not, an' could not join the X-Men, because we didn't believe in actually physically fightin'. I didn't tell Charles at the time, but there was a very personal reason I was opposed to violence. I told him later, when he asked again, after Hanna was born. I told him we wouldn't because of our values, our child, and our careers. Mine as an associate professor, and Toshi's as a artist. You see that..." Caleen pointed to a very delicately rendered, but very detailed looking ink painting of a child in a garden. "That is one of Toshi's pieces. It is of a traditional Japanese style paintin' or drawin' called Sumie. Toshi does this, and can stay with Hana, and I teach here. I believe as mutant humans we should live as normal lives as we possibly can. We shouldn't shut ourselves off from non mutants. I do believe though, as I said before, we should be trained tuh use our powers tuh help others. Muh most personal reason though, I rarely tell anyone anymore, it is muh distant past and I consider it a lesson tuh me about violence. Toshi wasn't my first husband. I was married briefly, when I was 19. I could sense Jeff's pain. I married him because I thought I could heal his pain. I was too young tuh realize he just was too torn apart by pain for me tuh be able tuh help him. It had twisted him inside. At first after we were married, it was just words: "You're too fat, lose some weight." This was very cruel, when he knew as well as I, it was genetic, I never ate that much. That's not really what it was about anyways, it wasn't muh weight bothering him, it was his own self hatred twistin' inside of him, being directed tuh all those around him. I let his words hurt me, even though I was going to college, and belonged tuh a feminist group, and one of the things we did was help battered women. I worked out in the college gym almost every day. I could see the muscles in muh arms and legs getting stronger. I lost no weight, but my body mass was changing tuh more and more muscle, without really showing it. Muh build, short and big boned, can carry a lot more muscle than a short or tall woman with a narrow bone structure without it even showing. When I told Jeff this when he complained, yet again, about muh weight, he would look at me like he didn't believe me, or he'd say: "You're still too fat." I began to realize I felt good except when I was around Jeff. I began tuh stand up tuh him. At first it seemed tuh work in one way. He stopped belittlin' me, for a while, but he also stopped talkin' tuh me. Meals were tense. We took tuh not eatin' together at all. We stayed away from each other as much as possible. Then it started again. He belittled muh viewpoint and muh friends. I would argue with him. Then one day it happened, he hit me. I exploded and beat the hell out uh him, even though I'm only 5'2" and he was nearly 6 foot. Then I threw some stuff in a bag, and tossed it in the backseat of muh car. Muh parting words tuh him were: follow me, you'll get even worse! I left him bleedin'from the nose and mouth, sittin' on the floor. I think I broke one of his legs too. At first I was pleased at what I had done. Only later did muh attitude sicken me. I had become as twisted as him. Pleased that I had inflicted pain. I knew then that to use violence tuh solve problems can only lead tuh more problems, and it changes oneself, not only in the body, but in the mind and soul, for the worse. I went to a feminist retreat camp. I didn't step outside of that place at all for the next two months. I was healing muhself. Every day muh friends and I talked. It used to be called consciousness raising, we just called it therapy. Gradually I began tuh recover. Finally in the third month there I transferred muh college credits, and took a job. Then I sent divorce papers to Jeff. He didn't contest anything, and I was quickly granted my divorce. I met Toshi at this college when I was attendin' classes. I told him as soon as we started going together, that I had just recently come out of a bad marriage. Later on I told him the details. Thankfully, it didn't scare him away. I fell in love with Toshi easily, he was so kind. After Jeff, only a man as gentle as Toshi could have attracted me." Caleen smiled with a faraway look in her eyes. "He even gave me some new pleasant memories of muh hometown, when I took him there to see it. We went bicyclin' in Iroquois park, which is very close to where I grew up. While we were restin' after bicyclin' up one of the big hills, he told me how much he loved me, and then he blushed. So I asked him, are yuh asking me if I want tuh marry you? He said,`hai',which is the affirmative in Japanese.I knew some things already about Japanese culture, and I teased him by usin' one of the more subtle phrases that a Japanese man can use when he proposes marriage,`Will you make my miso soup for breakfast?' He looked surprised for a second, but then he laughed and said,`Yes! Most definitely! Then I kissed him. We married three months later. I was 23 and he was 22. Both fresh out of college with our bachelor degrees, makin' barely enough money between us tuh afford our small neo-pagan style weddin', it's called a handfastin'. We incorporated elements from my Celtic ancestry and his Japanese ancestral wedding practices. It was a very different wedding to my relatives! His mother and sister, though didn't seem tuh be phased by it at all! His mother and sister are both very feminist so I could see very easily how Toshi became such an aware man. Toshi's mother was divorced from her husband when Toshi was just three and his sister was six. Their father pretty much abandoned them after the divorce. Luckily his maternal grandparents were fairly well off. Both were famous artists and made quite a bit of money for their art. His mom moved back home with them, so Toshi grew up with his grandparents always being around. His grandfather makes both beautiful and unusual pottery and his grandmother is a Sumie artist."

Rogue looked at Caleen, "Yah just met me and yah told me so much about yoahself. How can yah trust people so easy?"

Caleen smiled again. "Charles sent yuh tuh me, yuh needed to talk about somethin'. I could tell from your anxiety it's a very personal matter. So I didn't want yuh tuh feel at a disadvantage, feeling like you were tellin' it all to some stranger. The only thing yuh knew was that Professor Xavier told yuh tuh talk tuh me."

"How did yah know ah was tellin' the truth? Ah coulda been an enemy of Professor Xavier, wantin' information on him."

"Oh I have enough powers tuh tell you were being truthful, the emotions yuh were giving off were real. Besides," she grins,"I've been out to the mansion once or twice. You weren't there. I assume the X-Men were on some mission or another. But I saw yuh in three or four photographs on the walls, with the other X-Men. Muh husband and I do happen tuh be members of Charles' human and mutant underground."

"How can yah be a part of that, but turn him down for the X-Men?"

"Because, I believe in equal rights for all oppressed peoples. Because this allows us to support it peacefully."

Caleen could tell that Rogue was still not quite ready to talk about whatever it was that she needed to, but that didn't bother Caleen. Caleen liked the young woman, and it was nice to hear another southern accent way up here in the wilds of New York. She would invite Rogue to visit Toshi and her home. Perhaps in the warmer home environment Rogue would feel less vulnerable. Caleen thought. In fact, if I tell her she could bring along one of her friends from the X-men it should make her feel that much more comfortable. "Rogue, don't feel obligated tuh tell me what's troublin' yuh now. Maybe we could get together at my house sometime soon. You could bring a friend along and we could make it a dinner. I'll fix an all southern meal. It'll give me an excuse tuh do so. Toshi will grumble, but he won't really mean it, and he'll end up eatin' as much as everyone else!"

"Ah couldn't impose on yah like that."

"Oh it's no imposition. Like I told yuh, I've been lookin' for an excuse tuh cook an all southern meal. I hope your friend likes southern food."

"Oh he does." Rogue blushed then, the only person she had thought to bring along, if she did come, was Remy, even though Remy's presence might make it more difficult to tell Caleen about what was bothering her.

Caleen almost laughed aloud."Good, then I know I can get away with it!" Caleen could tell this man Rogue was going to bring along caused very strong feelings in her. "So how does this Wednesday sound?"

Uh, okay...." Rogue found herself agreeing to come. This woman was so genuinely friendly and welcoming. Caleen gave her the address and the time, then Rogue left.

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